What We Left Behind

“The world…it’s a crazy place and everything is so uncertain. I could just wish it all away if I had the power but all this, it brought us together. It will mold us, make us stronger. You look beautiful tonight, let’s get married.”

It was seven pm on a Tuesday. We’ve been afloat for what seems like an eternity and I’ve been somewhat depressed recently. Depressed before this. At first our economy started to collapse then our planet became uninhabitable in an unfortunate turn of events. People flocked onto Central Station that was orbiting our planet in hopes to find a new one. A lot of people died before this and many others decided to go to different locations. We don’t know which planets were habitable so more scouts would be beneficial. 

Me and my two daughters left the planet. We were lucky enough to survive the fallout. My wife however, she survived too but she wanted to study the phenomenon the planet was going through much like many others. I was scared for her and so were my children. Our planet was a cruel mistress and those who studied the phenomenon that was destroying our world stayed behind along those who were cruel, stuck in the past, and those who opposed the world government. Our world was now run by lunatics and anarchists. I implored her to leave with us, to stay with the family but her profession kept her hands tied. 

Now years later, I got a video message. Others came in the past but with us moving away from our planet I was sure it was sent a long time ago. I sat in my cramped quarters away from everyone weeping for what I had just witnessed. My wife, she was dying. The video message was sent to me and my daughters’ personal computers and the information was too much. I stopped the message before the end. I wasn’t going to like how it was going to end and I could not bear the thought of it. 

I checked my analog clock as I turned away from my computer. It was just minutes before the station wide curfew was put into place. I was sure my daughters saw the message around the time I did but I was not ready to talk about our loss. I walked up to the metal bulkhead that separated my room from the hallway of the stations living quarters. There was a small red push button to the left of the bulkhead underneath a clear plastic   enclosure. This button locked the bulkhead from anyone outside the room and it would remain locked until I pushed the button again or the area’s administrator unlocked the door manually. 

I thought for a minute if this was the direction I wanted to take. I weighed the pros and cons in my head My daughters were old enough now to live in their own quarters. I needed time for me, but I still felt this was undeserving to my children who were very close to me. I’ve always been an emotional person. I remembered when I was young, I was made fun of regularly by my classmates in grade school. I didn’t know how to control my emotions then, I did now, that’s why this was so unheard of. 

I was still emotional. I was still very passionate about my likes and dislikes and spoke openly about them to my wife and children but there was something my wife understood, while my children did not. My wife remembered a time when I was emotionally unstable, well, less so when I was young but still before I kept my emotions in check. In our universe, it seemed off putting to see a man cry. It sort of looks unnatural from a typical man. It’s always been my life and I never understood why this was the standard. It was necessary to look vulnerable sometimes. We’re all human

My daughters, they are still young. They have never seen me for who I was, human. I’ve always tried to be strong and brave in their eyes but this time, I was neither, at least, to what they thought was normal. I’ve always tried to be a better man. My father raised me to be better than him and sometimes, I am. Other days I am not. I’m only human, so I pushed the button. I could hear a inner mechanism of the bulkhead move. Nobody could get in, at least, until I was ready, or tomorrow, whichever came first. It was going to be a long night. 

I moved to my bed and sat down. Looking at my bedside table that could retract into the wall to make space, I saw the framed photo of me and my wife. It was one our first memories together as a couple, I could see it now. 

Nearly twenty-five years ago. We were on one of our first dates. Cora—back when she was called Cora and not honey or sweetie—and I were in front of a rather large skyscraper. Light blue sky, wispy white clouds. You could see the sun refracting off the lens in the corner. The picture wasn’t perfect, but it was a perfect memory. That’s why I kept it. 

You could see it was a spur of the moment decision. My hands shook as I tried to sneak a snapshot of us with my phone. At the time she was very anti-photographs. Thought she wasn’t photogenic even though I disagreed. Her opinions changed as time passed but at the moment, she hated it. You could see her face scrunch up as I caught the moment. I had a cheesy smile relishing that I got a picture of us. We were young and in love. 

She chased me as I ran from her as she begged me to delete it as I quickly sent it to my most recent contact in my phone. A spur of the moment decision to keep the memory alive because she was going to make me delete it. I sent it to my best friend. Moments prior we were talking if this was going to be a serious relationship. I told him I didn’t know what I wanted but that was a lie. I knew she was perfect the moment my best friend and his girlfriend at the time set us up on a double date. We were on a blind date. They were not. 

It was a spur of the moment decision. She had recently moved into town, I almost canceled. I was very nervous. Hadn’t been on a real date for years, I was emotionally unavailable. Glad I didn’t cancel because that decision changed my life much like hers, we married three years after. 

“Access denied.” My keypad outside of the room stated. A few seconds passed then another “access denied”.

“Dad?” I heard on the other side. It was muffled but I could tell it was Sarah, my youngest. I didn’t respond. “Do you think he knows?” 

“He usually isn’t asleep this late.” Said Kaylee. “But I’ve been wrong before. Hit the call button.” 

Soon the screen just above the button that locked the bulkhead turned on and you could see both my daughters on the display. I could see everything clearly since the quarters were rather small. Sarah was anxiously hoping I would answer while Kaylee was leaning up against the wall with her arms crossed just to the side of the bulkhead. Sarah looked up to the camera with tears in her eyes. 

“Dad, I need to talk to you.” It tore me apart inside to not answer. Seeing her tears made me tear up myself again. I put the picture down on the table and stood up. I paced the room a few times trying to make my decision. Before I could come to an answer the patrolling security walked up to my daughters. 

“It’s curfew ladies. We’re going to need you to go back to your quarters.” One guard said as the other stood behind him with a hand on his belt. 

“I really need to talk to my dad.” Said Sarah. 

“Call him when you get to your quarters. We can’t have civilians in the halls with the maintenance and cleaning crews. They have a very tight schedule.”

“This is a little too personal to handle over the phone.” Said Kaylee “Is there anything you can do?”

“No. Unless this is an emergency.” 

Sarah sighed. “No. At least not to you guys.”

The security followed them off the cameras feed and after the camera detected no movement for fifteen seconds, the monitor turned off. 

I just about sighed with relief but caught myself mid sigh. A wave of emotions came through me and I thought that this was not the example I wanted to lead. I tapped the monitor to see out in the hallway again and moved the camera to look down the hall in which my daughters went. They were gone. I punched the bulkhead which did nothing to it since it was sloid metal. To the left of the door were several artificial plants in assorted pots. For now, this was the closest thing I could get to nature. We did have a garden district in which gardens and trees flourished but it was a frequent destination for everyone on the station. I didn’t do well in crowds, so I stayed away. 

Cora was lively and outgoing while I kept to myself. She always wanted to be out. She had several friends and even more acquaintances. Her friends became my friends, but I haven’t seen any of them for a long time. Cora was the glue that kept the social circles together. She invited people to birthdays and holidays. She was the one who knew exactly what our daughters wanted. She always probed to get as much information as she could to make the most logical decisions. I know why I didn’t have the time or patience that she had. We spent the same hours awake; we both had the same free time. While she spent it getting to know her friends, I spent the same hours navigating the maze of my mind. Using my imagination to have conversations that I would never have, and I resented her for it. 

She never taught me the skills that I would need to live without her. It felt like she was holding my hand as we navigated through a crowd. I was blindfolded and up until the very moment she let go of my hand, I never really knew where I was. I picked up one of the pots and smashed it on the ground. The terra-cotta smashed into several pieces on the floor revealing the planter soil that was under the fake plants. 

It was a gift from my wife before we left into the great unknown. She used a real pot, and real soil in hopes that one day, I could plant another world’s vegetation in our planets soil. Using something familiar and something foreign to maybe make something new. There was no knowing what this new planet would offer. Our planet’s soil could nourish the new vegetation, but it could also prove to be inhospitable. At the moment I didn’t really believe in the possibilities of the future. For a moment I wondered if I would even see tomorrow. I picked up another pot and smashed it into the ground. 

“I’m sure she thought we would meet again. I was so sure that she would see me at the end of this. Seeing me at my worst. Watching me tear apart myself all ready and able, willing to pick up the pieces.”

I picked up the last pot from the table. 

“At the end of the universe or wherever we were going. She was so sure that we would become a family again.”

I put the pot in my left hand then right, trying to determine which wall to throw it against. 

“Finding everything that I messed up and put her motherly charm into it. Everything so perfect and right. She was so sure that she would not die hundreds of light years away from a friendly face all alone and cold. She was so sure…she was…she…”

There was something shiny in the potting soil. Something that didn’t belong, yet it was there. The dim lights in the room was just enough to make it shine. It was really glossy, or even a mirror, what was it? I put the third pot back on its table and crouched down to get closer to whatever was in the soil. I picked up the fake plant and brushed some of the dirt off. It was a piece of jewelry and it was wrapped around the bottom of the plant. Maybe it was a locket or a pocket watch. There was something attaching it to the plant. Something sticky but easy enough to get off. I detached it and put the plant to the side. Even being in dirt for several years it kept its shine. Upon opening it I saw that it was in fact a pocket watch. Within the watch was the clock and a picture on the other end of the clasp. It was a wedding photo. Our wedding photo, but one I hadn’t seen before. 

The photo was rather small. You could see a close up of both me and my wife’s faces kissing. On her face, she was slightly covered from her veil blowing in the wind and my face smiling as we celebrated the rest of our lives together. It was a perfect moment and I could see it clearly now. 

“Can you believe this actually happened? I’m sorry you didn’t get the wedding you wished for. We’ll make it up on our fifth.” I said. 

“I’m glad your parents talked us into having a ceremony. To think we were just going to get eloped at the courthouse. This was nice.”

“Yes it was. I love you.”

“I love you too. Give me a kiss.”

Together we were framed in the perfect photo. The one in this locket. My best friend’s girlfriend, now wife, snapped the photo with her professional camera. 

“I can’t believe I forgot this.” I said to myself. Never did do anything special for our fifth. The world was starting to fall apart then. Pandemics swept the globe. Economies were failing. The world was falling apart around us. We spent most of our marriage in a crisis. She quickly went to school to get into research right after we got married. The world was becoming inhospitable and she was determined to find the reason. I joined her in college a few years after she started in my chosen vocation. 

Seven years prior I went to that same college for a year. Got on academic probation because of my failing grades. I wasn’t doing well on my own. I moved away from my parents, jumped into secondary education without any work ethic, and I was stricken with mental illness that very winter. We met two years after I dropped out. Got married after three years together. She wanted this big and extravagant wedding, fulfilling every dream she had as a child. We both had high school diplomas at the time. Working full time, barely above minimum wage jobs. We were on welfare because we weren’t making enough money. How were we to save up for a wedding?

We went camping the week before we married. With no plan to marry, we talked to each other in our tent a day before friends arrived to join us. We thought long and hard about how much we had to set aside each paycheck for a wedding. It would take years and we weren’t willing to wait years. So we decided to elope the minute we were back in town. 

“There will be a time in which we can afford the greater things in life. It is not today. It will not be next year. Take my hand in marriage and together, we will form the lives we wish to have. Slowly, and little by little, each of our wish lists of who we wish to become will be completed. Together. One day we will have children running around our home and our lives will be perfect. We need to set the foundation today and with haste. We are not getting any younger and I don’t want to spend another moment not married to you. Say yes, and you will have my heart today, and for the rest of eternity.”

She was so sure of a lot of things. That one day we would meet again. We could grow old with each other. Make jokes and judge others for their poor choices. She would see her daughters again one day, and that there was so much more we could do as long as we still held breath. I portrayed my wish list on her. I kept saying she was so sure, but the truth was I was so sure. This wish list was mine. I expected to see her again but as I looked at this pocket watch, the hands never moved. It was stuck on a particular time, the time in which we said, “I do”. I closed the watch and looked at the back. There was an engraving that read “…and for the rest of eternity.” She never planned on leaving the planet. She knew that she was going to die doing her work but maybe not this soon. 

She longed to see her family again as much as we longed to see her. We were together for so long. As our friends married, divorced, met someone new, we stayed together. We stayed happy, and it will always remain to be that way. I projected many of my feelings onto my wife. I may have not realized that until now. I was beginning to accept the changing world, but the night was not yet over. 

Just then my computer flashed that someone was video calling me. It was Sarah, still worried about me and needing to talk to me. I was ready to let her know I got the message, but not yet ready to talk. I turned most of the lights off in the room and sat to the side of the computer so she couldn’t see me from the camera. I answered the call and she sat there for a minute trying to figure out if I was getting into position. I was not. I sat to the side of the computer looking at the pocket watch with what little light that was in the room. She started to tear up. 

“I take it you got the message. Dad. Sometimes I don’t get you, but you never feel it’s necessary to explain yourself. I wish you would. I wish you could pick up the pieces of this family and help us be whole again. That was something mom did, and I don’t expect you to be mom. I just wish you would talk to me. I know mom was something very special for you and she was for me too. You don’t have to do this alone. You don’t have to be like this. Talk to me!”

I was quiet. Trying to keep my intense emotions to myself. I started to cry, and she could hear me sniffing. 

“Dad, there’s no way you expected to see her again face to face. We’re a long ways away and she is at home, at ground zero. The place was a lawless playground when there was a government. Now there isn’t. I know you didn’t expect this. I realize that now. You felt as if our family was untouchable. That God wouldn’t allow anything horrible to happen to our family, but you were wrong. I was wrong. We can all believe that this was all just a bad dream but when we wake up in the morning, nothing will change. Mom will still be dead. I will still be waiting to talk to you. I need my dad back. I can’t lose both my parents tonight. Just…just don’t do anything stupid. Don’t do anything you would regret. I’ll talk to you later.” 

She hung up and on the screen was a still of my wife. She was mid-sentence when I stopped the video. I moved the chair to in front of the computer and contemplated if it was time to finish watching the video. It wasn’t. I minimized the video and looked at my desktop. All over were several items. Mostly photograph folders from different events. Before all this happened, I was organizing the photos I took. Something that I didn’t have the spare time for before. Being afloat for several years kind of did that to you. Leave you with nothing better to do than reminisce on the past. I guess that’s where I shined. 

I opened several photo albums, most of which I had taken. While I was getting my degree, I decided to take a photography class. There was nothing new that I didn’t know but I did find out what the proper terms for the rules I applied to my photography. Bought a professional camera to take the class, Cora wasn’t happy. Not only is a professional camera a expensive piece of equipment, at the time, she still didn’t like her photographs taken. I justified it as, you would appreciate to have our child’s milestones in the best quality we can afford. It was true. 

At the time of me taking the class she was several months pregnant. Due in November. It was an investment to our future. Something we had worked very hard to do. Kaylee was our miracle baby. We had been trying to have a child since we got married 3 years and so on months prior. She was infertile, I was infertile, we had a two percent chance on conceiving, but we still tried. 

We found that my infertility was due to my hormones. Actually had less testosterone than estrogen. It all made sense when I got the results back. I always saw myself better as a woman. I related to them more. With me being more emotional than I should, feeling out of place with other men, I now knew why. I took pills to regulate my hormones and somehow, someway, it was enough. The day of my wife had a real cheap pregnancy test. The line was barely visible, but it was something we’ve never seen before. She took out one of her more expensive ones. Immediately she felt regret that she wasted a test, but it came back positive. She tried three other tests after that over the week. Our child was finally here

Kaylee was due in November, but she came four weeks early. Some complications on Cora’s blood pressure. We went in for a checkup. Just going about our day. 

“I’m going to call labor and delivery. Head down there after you leave.”

“Wait. We’re having the baby…today?”

“Today.” Said the doctor. 

We were ready. We’ve been planning this for months but just not this month. She was underweight. Wasn’t breathing when she came out. They took her out of the room once delivered and my wife asked why she wasn’t crying. They had to clear out her lungs and sure enough a few minutes earlier she let out a healthy yell. 

Sadly, she had to have doctors look after her for the following month. We were discharged after a few days. Had to come back up to the hospital every couple of hours. It was a lot, but I wasn’t complaining. We were just fortunate enough to have a child

Sarah came along a few years after. They say once you have your first, the rest come easier. While it was easier it still didn’t work like it should. Sure enough Sarah came out screaming for her mother and our lives weren’t filled with so much uncertainty. We wanted three. When the time we were ready for a third we were both finishing up school. Just about to start our careers. Then the pandemics started. With so much going on I wasn’t sure if I wanted to bring a child into this world. Cora agreed. We said we were going to continue one everything calmed down. It never did and now we are here. 

Several birthdays, births, holidays. All of us smiling in every photo. Kaylee smiling with just a couple teeth. Sarah learning to ride a bike. Cora loved the photographs, but I realized when I’m behind the camera, there’s not a lot of opportunity for me to be in the photograph. It was something I regretted but that is something I came to terms with a long time ago. 

Hours passed. Looking through each memory and playing what happened before and after in my head. I enjoyed every minute of it but once I was done, my emotions took over again. I will still be here to make memories, but Cora would no longer be in them. It saddened me that this was life now. There was no turning back.

I looked at the clock on my desk it had been several hours since this whole thing started. I looked down to my pocket watch to the time it was frozen to. 5:44 PM. It was just about that time but in the AM. I thought how the world we thought we knew was going to change. I was to pick up where my wife left off. Our family was in the need of a leader and although I was no leader, I was going to have to assume the role. I knew my way was going to be different than Cora’s. Something that we all were going to have to get used to. It would be weird at first but I’m sure I’m going to do fine as long as I believe in myself. 

A lot of things were going to be different. Not just our family but how we lived. I was sure that our next planet we inhabited was going to be nothing like what we had before. Gravity would be different. Average temperature, sunrise and sunset. I was sure that the human race would have to adjust to the new world, we would probably evolve differently than other humans. I thought of the old world, the one Cora died in.

There was a time in which we had white and grey clouds. When everything went awry the clouds turned a sickly red. Scientists were sure it was because of humans but they couldn’t figure out what exactly changed the world. That’s why Cora stayed behind, to find out. To figure out what we did wrong before we did that to another planet. When the clouds rained it was like razors falling from the sky. Nobody would get out of it alive. It killed millions of animals, mutated what remained into some ungodly creatures. Everything became aggressive, no matter what their temperament was before. Animal attacks were frequent. After it rained the landscape was stained this sickly red. Was is blood or was what was in the atmosphere? Scientists could figure out that it was organic but something metallic as well, but time wasn’t on our side. Soon the lawless destabilized the world government. The atmosphere started to become toxic in some areas and people started going insane much like the animals. It was time to leave. Shortly before, space elevators were being created. We were able to build rather quickly with a new way to construct virtually everything. Something I didn’t understand. 

I looked back to the computer and brought up the video my wife looked rather uncomfortable. She had a difficulty breathing and she was coughing up blood before I stopped the video. Was I ready now?  It was 5:44 AM, I clicked play. 

“…I’m sorry that it’s come to this. I really wished that I could see you all again, I really do. After the attack, I was the only one who made it out alive. This world is crazy, and I may have found out what is the cause, but I don’t have much longer. Send this message and the attachments to Celestia Rylan. She worked closely with me before she left the planet. If anyone can interpret this data, it’s her.  I don’t know where she went, that’s why I am sending it to you. If I had more time, maybe I would find out, but I don’t. Don’t let this fall into the wrong hands. It’s imperative Celsetia receives it and only Celestia. Don’t let my death be in vain.” 

Cora coughed up a lot of blood. She was shaking and nearly fainted to the sight of the blood.

     “I don’t think I’m going to like what I become. I’ve heard the following that’s started here, they reanimate bodies. Don’t know how. Don’t know why. Don’t look for me, because you will find me, I won’t be the same.” Some tears rolled down her face. “I love you. Forever and for the rest of eternity. Listen to your father, he’s stronger than you think. Goodbye.” 

The video stopped and I downloaded the attached files. I was sure I wouldn’t understand what it all meant; I wasn’t a very smart man. I got up from my seat. Unlocked the bulkhead and sat on my bed. 

I sat there tired and worn out for a while. I might have slept but it all blended in with each other. Soon the curfew was lifted, and it was only a little bit after when Sarah and Kaylee tried to enter again. They input the code and the bulkhead opened. I looked up with some tears in my eyes and they saw that my room was obviously a mess Sarah rushed to me nearly tripping over the messy floor and we embraced for a minute Kaylee entered slowly while switching on the light.

“Told you he would be okay. He’s tough. Doesn’t have to be, but he is.” Said Kaylee 

“There’s a lot of things I’ve kept from you. Your mother covered for a lot of things. I was distant and emotionally unavailable. That’s all going to change. That’s not me. You’ll come to find out a lot of things about me that you didn’t know. I’m sorry it took me this long for this to happen. I want to be the father you deserve.”

“I appreciate that dad, but we’ve always known you’ve been repressing your feelings. Mother explained that a long time ago. It doesn’t change a single thing. You’ve always been my hero.” Said Sarah. “Let’s clean up your room then we can talk about our memories of mom. I’m sure you have a lot of stories to tell.” 

“Yes. Yes, I do.”

The universe was full of so many unknowns. Places I would have never thought of going. Unlikely events that I would have only thought to occupy my dreams. I looked at everything and thought so much more would happen but if I found some way to do it all again, I would. I wouldn’t change a thing.