As I sit here trying to figure out to write as a “whats on my mind” other than a story I can only close my eyes breathe in and listen to my collection of 50’s blues I can only think that I have no inspiration, but I can assure you I have plenty of inspiration. I have always looked at something that anybody looks at and from time to time I can say that I have viewed it at a different perspective and I guess thats what makes me, me.
I learned to play guitar not just so I could pick up chicks–mind you that is one of the last things on my mind–but I did so I could ignore the silence that I have in my life and to have such a appreciation towards music, its only appropriate to learn the very thing that you enjoy. I blog not to tell people about my life or to give an inspiration to anyone but I do it just so I can learn to start reaching out. I don’t talk about myself and if you ever asked my parents about me….I would have no idea what they would say, because we hardly exchange thoughts between one another. I once had a councilor for a few months and I could tell you that of all the sessions we had, I maybe talked a little in a few of those sessions.
I guess Im not a people person and I struggle with contact with other people maybe because of anxiety or just a indifference of what they thought themselves. I wouldn’t call me selfish because when a situation arrises when one wants to talk to me about their lives I always listen and I always understand but I would just call me peculiar. I honestly wouldn’t know what word would be the best but at the moment this word seems appropriate so lets stick with this. I don’t crave to talk to someone, I don’t crave to listen to someone or even to see that someone. If I had to live my life all alone for the rest of my life. It would have its highs and lows, I can certainly say that I would miss people from time to time but I am who I am and I could almost tell you I would live that almost no differently then I do now.
I cant say that Im happy like this because I would be lying if I did but I am not happy, can I change that? Maybe. But the point still stands I don’t like to reach out, I stick to the same pain that Im used to and you would be stupid to say you don’t do that yourself. I like what Im familiar with and that is loneliness and maybe it will be like that for the rest of my life or maybe it would change when a girl finally steps into my life that doesn’t want to destroy my will to live. I don’t know. Im not god or some worshipped idol and I would rather it to be the exact opposite, I wouldn’t care if I was the most famous person on Earth so then why be that? I let the attention whores and all the scum of the Earth to earn those titles but then I can only wonder is this why the planet is like it is?
Its like when most intelligent people desire little to no children while the stereotypical “trailer trash” has twelve kids and one on the way. Is it the same for everything else that “trailer trash” can accomplish? How is it that more and more each day the famous and the popular are cut-throat, close minded git’s while those who are nice and try to do good are shunned and exiled and I hate to say crucified? Its those who have a heart and care and do all they can are the same ones who are trampled on and they are never able to reach the finish line other than a select few? What happened to chivalry or even kindness to a fellow man? Then again I can only ponder this and it almost feels like it was only a myth, a tall tale as you will like King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table.
Humans don’t change, I don’t change and as people focus on themselves and their addictions and everything that gets them through life I guess I sit here thinking about MY loneliness and MY problems and all I can do to fix it. Im not different then the scum of the Earth, so then I can only wonder if there is any point in talking about trying to change it? You answer that yourself but before you complain that I talk about myself to much and Im just some whiney three year old I can only tell you that you are reading my blog, which is still just a way for me to find more about myself by talking about myself and I just happen to let people join me for the ride and maybe just maybe through following me through my life you may just find more about yourself….but Im not making any promises. As always…
