Life sometimes changes for the worst or the better. It doesn’t matter which. Other than the fact it changes. I’ve lived a whole life scared of the unknown. Unknown where my life would lead. Where I would go. Who I would still be friends with. Who I marry. A lot has happened and me, on the edge of 27, still have many unknowns about where my life would lead.
I’ve seen relationships fall to pieces. The world is on fire and people just want a place in this world. People just want to belong. I want to belong. I never thought life would take me down the roads I have traveled. I have crossed snow capped mountains just to find meaning in this life and some days I feel I can almost grasp it.
Relationships grow. The world is rebuilding and I’ve created a stable enough life in which I live in that would be enough for a child. I’ve always grown uneasy about this subject. The fear of the what if’s? The fear of how will it’s life lead. The fear of the unknown.
For so long I’ve made excuses on this is not the type of world I wanted to bring a child in. The world is a cruel cruel place and people can be monsters to each other. I’ve feared that it would take after me and my bad habits. My illness. I’ve feared everything that I could have possibly thought about. Regardless. The days are getting shorter everyday.
An uncertainty of whether or not if I wanted a child outweighed if I should have a child. There was a difference. I felt that this is not the type of world I would want my child growing up in. I grew negatively in emotion and did not realize that this child, itself, the sun and the moon. The Earth and the stars. Everything aligned.
Yes there are many negative things in the world but there can be no good if there is no bad. There is no light, if there is no darkness. There is no Alpha without Omega.
I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, schizophrenia for a long time now. It keeps pulling me down this road of self loathing and fear. I’ve been in the darkness for a while now and I needed the light. For the longest time I feared that this world would change my soon to be child. I grow smarter everyday and so will he.
My wife will be the water coursing through the valley. Digging through the soil. Reshaping everything around us. I will be the current. Pushing everything forward. Breaking through barriers that many struggle to get through. My son will bring the life. Leading others to this new home. To live and prosper. A new way to live the land.
I still fear the unknown. I don’t think I will ever stop fearing what I cannot comprehend. As the days turn to weeks to months. He’s almost here. The light to my darkness. The natural remedy that will calm my ailing heart. The cure for the sickness.
